Imagine your company is going through a reorganization. People feel insecure about their jobs. They aren’t quite sure what’s going to happen with the company. As a result, they might gossip, speculating or spreading false rumors. This is human nature’s way of coping; people are trying to understand and gather information so they feel safe.

As leaders, it’s up to us to manage gossip. Here are few suggestions:

1. Set the record straight. A lot of gossip happens during the “unknown.” As a leader, be as transparent and authentic as possible with information.
2. Don’t believe the gossip you hear. Sometimes when people start telling stories, it’s easy to believe they are real. This can damage trust and relationships. Remember you are only hearing part of the story.
3. Open your door. Have an open door policy where people can ask you questions. If people aren’t asking questions, they aren’t feeling safe — something you might want to examine as a leader.
4. Say “I don’t know.” When you don’t know the answer to something, say so. And recognize that if you say I don’t know, people will be scared because we don’t feel safe with not knowing.

Gossip. Most of us have either done it or been the subject of it. Most of us know that it’s not good form, that it causes problems down the road from destroyed relationships to lost hours of productivity to a general sense of mistrust. So why do we still do it?

One underlying reason we gossip is because we want to feel connected. When we come to someone with gossip, it says I’m valuable. I’m important. I’m connecting to somebody. But in that moment, we don’t see that we are connecting at the expense of somebody else. We don’t realize that gossip makes people ineffective. And we forget that when we believe the gossip to be true, we aren’t hearing the whole story.

As leaders, we want to be careful about engaging in gossip.

When you have the desire to gossip, center yourself. Hold that desire and recognize what’s behind it. Do you want to feel important? Make a connection? Feel valued? Once you recognize this, observe how it feels to not to speak the gossip.

With practice and time, you’ll find that your workplace is a more harmonious place.

The desire for safety is deep within us. It’s a biological survival mechanism that comes naturally to all living beings.

In the workplace, the desire for safety controls much of how we operate. We do and say things we don’t believe in. We avoid taking chances. We don’t speak out. Often we choose safety at all costs because we believe we will lose our jobs, title, position, and even our value if we don’t.

But when we value safety above all else, it can backfire. We might stay in a job feeling miserable or end up getting fired because we are so resentful and unhappy.

When we truly believe something, taking risks can be worth it. Even though it may cost us, saying what is true and operating from a place of our inner wisdom ultimately benefits the highest good.

So how do we work with the unconscious agenda of staying safe?  Here are a few tips:

1. Notice if you operating from a place of clinging to safety.
2. Determine if you have enough capacity to hold the risks involved of letting go of your need for safety.
3. Practice taking small risks with neighbors, friends, and even waiters. This will build your capacity for asking what you want, and prepare you for the next step.
4. Bring this skill to the workplace, tuning into your body to see if you are seeking safety out of wisdom or fear.
5. Look at the overall picture and ask yourself some crucial questions: is this the right job for me? Do I love working here? Do I just want a paycheck. Do I want my voice to be heard?

Recently, a woman I’ll call Madeline came to me. She told me a story: During a meeting, her boss became upset and raised her voice in anger. Madeline didn’t say anything; she was afraid of falling out of her boss’s favor. By keeping quiet, however, she began to feel resentful and angry.

We worked together to find a way she could speak her truth in a calm and non-aggressive way. A few weeks later, her boss again got angry with her. Instead of keeping quiet or exploding, Madeline said: “I can tell you are really angry. I’m going to come back in 15 minutes when you’ve calmed down.” When Madeline returned, they talked about — and resolved — the issue.

Human beings are a herd animals. To survive we need to be accepted. It’s in our biology. Because of this simple fact, we often don’t want to say things that upset other people or cause friction.

In a work situation, we worry that we might look foolish, hurt a coworker’s feelings, upset the boss, or even get fired. So we say nothing.

But at what cost?

I work with clients to understand that we can say things that we know to be true without making another person wrong. We can speak the truth and take the risk of not being liked.

When you can really speak your truth, you will become much more effective in work and in life. Here’s how to work with the hidden agenda of wanting to be liked:

1. Notice what you are not saying or doing, because you want to be liked. Have compassion for yourself. Do you  feel any constrictions in your body?
2. See what is true for you. Is being liked worth not speaking out?
3. Ask yourself: Can I work with the part of me that wants to be liked, and say it anyway?

As leaders, we love to stay in control. We want our fingers in every pot. We fear that if we lose control, things will break down into chaos. That’s why we micromanage, go to every single meeting, look over the shoulders of our employees.

Fighting for control isn’t necessary. In fact, it can harm our status as leaders. How do we loosen our grip on control, especially after a lifetime of practice? Here are the steps that my clients have found useful:

1. Become Aware. Once you begin to see that you are attached to control, you can begin to make positive changes.
2. Acknowledge That It’s True. After awareness comes acknowledgement. Stubbornly clinging to control can cause pain and suffering both to yourself and others. Recognize the fallout of acting out of control, whether it’s making other people wrong — or exhaust yourself trying to maintain it.
3. Go To Center. Get centered in your body and mind. When you do, you make space for choosing differently. Hold the part of you that wants control, knowing that it won’t fundamentally change — but that you can learn how to work with it. When you don’t react from a place of needing control,  you allow yourself the chance to respond from a place of letting go.

Coming Up: The Unconscious Agenda, Part Two: Staying Safe and Being Liked

There is a mistaken belief that our emotions don’t affect our work. We like to think we are purely rational and always even-keeled.

But we are human beings — not robots. In my experience, we don’t realize how much our emotions come into play each and every day at work.  As humans, we make decisions based on reasons we don’t fully understand. This is our unconscious mind at work.

There is another way. Our power is in bringing our unconscious to light. The more we can become aware of ourselves, the more we can respond instead of react.

Sure, we can keep on reacting based on our unconscious minds. But we don’t have to. Becoming more self-aware means that we can more fully understand the idea that what we think is not the whole picture. In turn, we can become more effective, powerful and embodied leaders.

I’m so happy to invite you to my new blog. Twice a month, I’ll share stories, advice, and tips that I’ve learned through my work with leaders. With these new bits of insight, my intention is to give leaders support to create a productive, compelling satisfying work environment.

My hope is that this blog is useful in helping you reach your highest goals.