Recently, a woman I’ll call Madeline came to me. She told me a story: During a meeting, her boss became upset and raised her voice in anger. Madeline didn’t say anything; she was afraid of falling out of her boss’s favor. By keeping quiet, however, she began to feel resentful and angry.
We worked together to find a way she could speak her truth in a calm and non-aggressive way. A few weeks later, her boss again got angry with her. Instead of keeping quiet or exploding, Madeline said: “I can tell you are really angry. I’m going to come back in 15 minutes when you’ve calmed down.” When Madeline returned, they talked about — and resolved — the issue.
Human beings are a herd animals. To survive we need to be accepted. It’s in our biology. Because of this simple fact, we often don’t want to say things that upset other people or cause friction.
In a work situation, we worry that we might look foolish, hurt a coworker’s feelings, upset the boss, or even get fired. So we say nothing.
But at what cost?
I work with clients to understand that we can say things that we know to be true without making another person wrong. We can speak the truth and take the risk of not being liked.
When you can really speak your truth, you will become much more effective in work and in life. Here’s how to work with the hidden agenda of wanting to be liked:
- Notice what you are not saying or doing, because you want to be liked. Have compassion for yourself. Do you feel any constrictions in your body?
- See what is true for you. Is being liked worth not speaking out?
- Ask yourself: Can I work with the part of me that wants to be liked, and say it anyway?